


get out of my head

by stuckonylove



Category: Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, Saturday Night Live, Saturday Night Live RPF, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Cheating, Drug Use, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Past Drug Use, i know this because john mulaney told me, nick kroll was the rockin twink in the leonard bernstein story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2019-12-11
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:35:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21672259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stuckonylove/pseuds/stuckonylove
Summary: I don't write for months and THIS is what breaks my block??? lmaoAlso, I feel that because this is a RPF, I need to say that I mean no disrespect to Pete or Anna. I love them both!
Relationships: Nick Kroll/John Mulaney, Pete Davidson/John Mulaney
Kudos: 33





	get out of my head

**Author's Note:**

> I don't write for months and THIS is what breaks my block??? lmao  
> Also, I feel that because this is a RPF, I need to say that I mean no disrespect to Pete or Anna. I love them both!

_Can you come over here? I make a huge mistake._

Nick put his spoon back down into his cereal bowl to grab his phone and make sure he read the message correctly. 

_Shit what’s wrong? Idk how fast I can get to New York man_

Leave it to Nick to still be so fuckin whipped that he’d go all the way across the country at the drop of a hat. 

Still whipped? Yes, _still_. The two of them hadn’t been together in over a decade, but here Nick was.

His phone buzzed again.

_No, I’m in LA._

A comforting yet stinging message because even though he now didn’t have to worry about traveling across the whole country, Nick knew that meant he could be at John’s LA apartment in less than fifteen minutes, and that didn’t give him much time to prepare.

Not that he had to prepare to see his best friend, but with a text like this, Nick had no idea what he was about to walk into.

_Yeah I’ll be there soon._

  
***

“Holy shit, John,” were the only three works that Nick could stammer out as his eyes fell on what John’s apartment had become. There were enough empty tequila bottles to qualify it as a college dorm room, and cigarette butts piled high from the ashtray on the coffee table, smoke still slightly rising. Nick spotted a credit card lying in the middle of all the mess, but there was nothing left to accompany it.

_ Stingy with the coke, I see. Per usual. _

Before he could say anything else, John spoke up as he walked towards his couch, sticking a finger up in the air, talking with his hands. Nothing new.

“Now all of this, there’s a logical explanation.” Nick crossed his arms, still standing right past the threshold.

“Oh yeah? Uh-huh, okay, John,” he said, interally cringing at how dad-like he sounded. “Then spill it.” John swung himself around playfully, with his elbows tucked at his sides but with his hands sticking out, as if he was trying to make Nick laugh before things got too serious.

It didn’t work.

“You look dumb. Sit down,” Nick told him before really taking a look at John’s face. It was pulled in slightly, making his cheekbones look a little more prominent that normal. It appeared to Nick that nothing had been through his system other than tequila and coke, and whatever else he’d gotten his hands on, in days.

Laughing at Nick’s remark, even though it was far from a laughing matter, John turned away from him and went to sit down on his couch, and he looked back up at Nick in the puppy dog way that Nick remembered from college.

You know, the one that he could never say no to? The one that got them in one too many sticky situations? 

Yeah, that one.

Knowing that he wasn’t getting out of it, Nick joined him on the couch as John lit a cigarette. Even when he was fucked up, Nick couldn’t help but study every inch of him as he smoked. He was just so damn professional at it.

But there was something about how far his cheeks went in when he took that first pull. Something about it made Nick’s stomach hurt.

“You need you eat something.” 

John flicked a few ashes off of the end of his cigarette without looking at Nick.

“And  _ you _ need to mind your business,” he said confidently, put the long drag he took afterwards didn’t fool Nick.

_ Always thought you were so clever. _

“You’re the one who asked me to come here, stupid,” he said, and for the first time in forever, he wanted to slap the cigarette right out of John’s fingers. Nick had watched him smoke for years, but it had been a while since he’d seen John like this. He hadn’t been mentally prepared for it.

“Well yeah, but I didn’t think I’d get an intervention when you walked in the door,” John replied to him. Nick darted his eyes across the room at everything and then back to John, annoyance spread across his face.

“What the fuck were you hoping for?” He asked, watching as John rolled his eyes. “Don’t start, asshole.” John scrunched up his face and blew smoke up towards the ceiling, his cigarette finished. Seeing the smoke billow from his lips loosened Nicks shoulders a bit, but as John reached forward to put it in the tray, Nick tried to keep up his stern face.

“Nicky, I’m fine,” John said as he leaned back onto the couch and closed his eyes for a moment. “Just wanted someone to talk to.”

_ “I made a huge mistake.” and “I just wanted someone to talk to.” sure sould a hell of a lot different to me, but okay. _

“About what?” Nick’s voice was less commanding now, and he could already tell that John felt a little better. John shrugged his shoulders.

“Life?” He suggested, not entirely sure if that was the correct answer. “I dunno, everything just feels out of place right now.” Nick gestured his hands towards the rest of the room, beginning to open his mouth, but John interrupted him. “Fuck all that stuff. That’s not what I’m talking about.” 

Nick let himself relax against the back of the couch beside John, looking up at the ceiling and hoping to open him up a little more. He would’ve put his feet up on the coffee table, but he no doubt would’ve knocked over a bottle.

“Then what is it?” Nick asked him, noticing how he flinched when he tried to speak. “John, c’mon. I’ve seen you snort cocaine off of the ass of a hooker, but you can’t tell me what’s going on-”

“Hey!” John blurted out, quickly whipping his head up to face Nick. “You said you’d never bring that up again.”

“And I’ve got many other instances you’ve made me promise to forget, so keep talking,” Nick retorted. John reached up to grab the side of his head, realizing that he’d raised up to fast as if felt like it was about to explode. He sighed.

“Whatever with your stories,” he said, letting his hand fall back to his lap. “Besides, this is different.” John paused, and his phone buzzed. As Nick grabbed it and held it up for John to see, Anna’s contact lit up, and it made him want to throw up. He motioned his hand as to swat it away.

“She doesn’t know, does she?” John turned his head away from Nick. “Does she even know where you’re at?” John nodded softly. “How long have you even been in LA?” Nick was even more confused now, but it wouldn’t stay that way for long. John’s phone buzzed again with a text this time.

From Pete.

“Is that her again?” John asked, still not facing Nick.

_ sorry man, idk what that was...come to my place tonight and we’ll forget all ab it _

“No.”

John turned back to look at him.

“Who was it then?” He asked, his question being answered by the look on Nick’s face. “Fuck.”

Refusing to get into business that wasn’t his, Nick put the phone back down on the table, and he looked away. He bit his tongue as usual, because just as this business wasn’t his,  _ John _ also wasn’t his anymore.

But he sure as hell didn’t like the idea of John being Pete’s either.

“Nick, listen-”

“I’m not gonna prod my way into this, but tell me what’s going on right now so that I can leave. I don’t wanna be here.” John swallowed the lump in his throat.

“You just don’t get it, Nick,” John said, his voice unsteady. “I haven’t felt like this since senior year.” Nick felt himself begin to spiral inside at the mention of that point in time. So much went wrog when they lost each other.

“What on earth are you talking about?” Nick asked him, not knowing what to expect. John leaned forward, and he put his face in his hands, propping his elbows on his thighs.

“I was at my worst, Nick, you remember,” he mumbled thorugh his fingers, “And that’s when you slipped right out of my hands.” a headche quickly took over Nick. “I don’t blame you,” John added so quietly that Nickw as sure he could hear his own heart breaking. He pushed aside all his thoughts and scooted closer to John.

“Why would you say that?” Nick asked him, his voice much softer than before. John’s hands were shaking, and without thinking, Nick scooped them away from his face and squeezed the. “Please just tell me what all of this is about, John,” he urged, and it relieved him to see John shift on the couch and bring his legs up to sit criss-cross. He finally looked back up at Nick.

“I was so far gone. I remember feeling like I’d never get back to the surface,” John managed to spit out, unsure of how he strung his words together at all. They always got jumbled together when he was one of two things: high or nervous.

And tonight, they were packing double duty.

Nick only shushed him and moved his thumbs back and forth over John’s knuckles.

“Just slow down, okay?” Nick fought to keep his cool while listening to John’s words slur slightly and watching the way that his face moved. He’d gotten used to John being sober, and this didn’t exactly bring back the best memories.

“I just missed you, that’s all,” John said, catching Nick off guard. Before he could reply, however, John continued. “And I thought if I did things that reminded me of you, that maybe it would fill the void.” He paused for a second to examine the table and it’s remnants of the alcohol and coke. He scrunched up his face and shook his head, as to try and shake away the memories. “I started getting it from Pete,” he told Nick. “He usually brought it along with a few friends, but last night, he was alone.” The look on John’s face told Nick everything he needed to know.   
“You didn’t,” he said softly, and John looked down to his lap. Expecting Nick to yank his hands away and storm out, he was surprised when Nick gave his hands another squeeze.

“What happened?”

****

“Sup, man?” Pete’s usual intro flooded John’s ears the second he walked through the door. He was alone, something that never happened.

“Where are all your buddies?” John asked him. He’d always just let Pete waltz in with five or six friends, which, and no offense, usually made him feel a little better. Not all of the focus was on him, and that was a good thing, because when he was alone with Pete, his mind _went places_. He couldn’t help it. Being with Pete just reminded him of being with Nick and their friends at Georgetown, and he just missed Nick so damn much.

“Most of ‘em are still passed out at my place from earlier.

“Earlier?” John asked him. “It’s only four in the afternoon.” Pete shrugged his shoulders as he plopped down onto John’s couch and pulled a lighter out of his pocket.

“It’s coke,” he said as he lit the end of a blunt he seemed to pull out of nowhere. “Any time of the day, Mulaney.” Remembering back to when doing a line was the first thing he did in the mornings, John nodded his head.

“Touche,” he said as he sat down opposite Pete on the couch. Maybe tonight wasn’t his night to get high. Almost as if he could read John’s thoughts, Pete pulled a baggie out of his jacket pocket and started making lines on the table in front of John. 

_Fuck that_ John thought as he leaned over and did one before he could convince himself not to. Pete followed right behind him and before long, the entire bag was gone, something John usual was proud of, but tonight he was nervous. 

As he sat in his high, he leaned his head back against the couch and turned it slightly to watch Pete close his eyes and take a particularly long hit. In this moment, he had a thought identical to the one he had the first time he ever saw Pete.

_Woah._

There was just something about the way he knew exactly what he was doing and how good he looked doing it.

Most would be able to tell that those characteristics were very similar to someone else John knew, but he’d rather stay oblivious and start to fall for Pete the same way he fell for Nick - uncontrollably and fast. Clearly, John was looking for someone to fill Nick’s place since they weren’t together anymore, and it wasn’t like Nick wouldn’t drop everything to make something work, but John was married now, and he was well known. 

And if he was gonna be with Nick, it wasn’t gonna be a fucking secret this time. 

So the choice he’d made for now was to put Pete in Nick’s position.

And anyone who was present could see how well _that_ was going.

Was he using Pete? As much as he wanted to deny it, yes. 

Did it make him feel like absolute shit? Absolutely.

John didn’t like that term. _Use_. 

By definition, to use someone meant to deploy them as a means of accomplishing a purpose or achieving a result, and that made John feel downright evil. Knowing that he was doing exactly that with someone that he actually cared about made him feel sick, but not after the drugs were in his system, and that’s why he’d fallen back into his old ways of coping with stress and emotions. 

“What do you tell Anna when you’re out here?” Pete asked him, his words full of smoke. A question that made John’s stomach hurt, it was one that he actively avoided, but Pete was persistent - John knew that. It was no use to not answer.

“Work,” he replied shortly, leaning forward to pour himself a tequila shot. Pete dipped his head to acknowledge John’s answer. 

“She buy it?” John shrugged and downed it. It burned all the way down, but he didn’t feel like chasing it. After all, little Ellen Stanton didn’t raise a bitch. 

“I guess,” he said, scrunching up his eyes as his throat tingled. “She never says anything about it.” 

The night went on, and Pete got higher, and when Pete got higher, he got chiller - down for anything.

Not a very good thing considering that when John got higher, he got braver.

Soon, John found it almost impossible to look in Pete’s general direction without wanting to kiss him. He must have been caught up in his thoughts because Pete’s voice made him jump.

“You okay, man?” He asked, not expecting the response he got. 

John’s hands were quickly on Pete’s face, and he kissed him before he could even convince himself not to.

****

John lit another cigarette, and he found himself avoiding looking Nick in the eyes. 

“You don’t have to tell me the rest,” Nick said, to spare John the embarrassment, but more so to spare himself from having to listen. “So what now?” He asked him, not sure what to expect John to say. Little did Nick know that John didn’t have a clue.

“Not one single answer comes to mind,” he mumbled, still refusing to let himself turn towards Nick. “He left this morning before I even sobered up,” John told him, and Nick recognized the hurt on John’s face. 

“Did he talk to you?” Nick asked, not knowing why John said that. He was definitely still not sober. John shook his head softly.

“Not really. He just kind of left,” John said, his voice dropping a bit. “I think he was just as embarrassed as I was.” Nick swiped a cigarette out the box lying on the table and held it out for John to light it. John raised an eyebrow. “I haven’t seen you smoke in years,” he told him. Nick waved it in front of him.

“Just fuckin light it, John.” 

John watched him take a drag for the first time in who knows how long, and instead of calming him, it made him feel worse. He always found himself feeling like the worst influence in the world, and it subsequently, it was always involving Nick. His very best friend, who had been with him through both the best and worst parts of his life, was always the first person to deal with all of his bullshit. 

If only he knew that Nick would choose John’s bullshit over anyone else’s smooth sailing any day.

“I’m sorry I even asked you to come,” John mumbled, feeling too awful to even finish his cigarette. Nick watched him put it out in the tray and stand up, walking over to the side table by the recliner. There was a half empty bottle of water there, and John took what Nick supposed to be his first sip of anything but alcohol in days. “I don’t know why I still drag you into problems that you can’t help me with.” Nick put his own cigarette out sighed.

“John, that’s not true-”

“You’re smart enough to know that it is,” John interrupted suddenly. “All the history that we have, Nick, is founded on me causing issues, and you know that.” Nick stood up off of the couch, feeling a tad bit offended.

“Are you saying that the only reason I was ever with you was because of your _problems_?” He almost turned his nose up at John. “That everything I did for you was because you acted like cocaine was fucking oxygen?” He’d always feared, even when they were together, that John had only first associated with him for the drugs. 

John almost jumped all the way back across the room towards Nick.

“No, you know that isn’t what I meant!” A hint of regret was in his eyes, and Nick spotted it. John hadn’t planned on saying it that way. “I just always thought that if I hadn’t been there to even get into drugs, that if I had never met you,” he said as his voice got quieter. “That it would’ve saved you a boatload of pain.” Nick’s chest tightened up. What the hell was happening?

“John,” he said softly. “I wouldn’t go back and change a thing. Why would it ever be a better life for me if I hadn’t found you?” John shook his head slightly. 

“You’re wrong,” he told him. “You never needed me. It was always me that needed you.” John threw his hands out to acknowledge the room. “Look at me, Nick. Look at what my life has become. I needed you to get through college. I needed you to get sober. And now, it’s like I need to drugs again to get over the fact that I can’t live my life _needing_ you.” He rolled his eyes, scoffing to himself. “I sound like a complete idiot right now,” John groaned and plopped back down on the couch. Nick followed suit, and he put a hand out on John’s shoulder.

“You don’t sound like an idiot.” He took a breath. “I’ll be the first one to admit that I wasn’t the best, but _neither_ of us were, okay? We were young and stupid and invincible, and no one was gonna tell us what to do. That’s what got us into this mess - _not you_.” He squeezed John’s shoulder, and almost instinctively, John shifted on the couch, and he laid his head down in Nick’s lap. Allowing him to get comfortable, Nick let his fingers fall in John’s hair, running through it. It definitely wasn’t all of it, but a whole lot of tension melted out of John’s body, causing Nick to take a breath of relief. “And if anyone’s gonna call you a complete idiot, it’s gonna be me,” Nick reminded him, and John hummed quietly. 

“Noted,” he replied, turning over so that he was still lying there but could see Nick’s face. “It’s been almost sixteen fucking years, Nick. Why can’t I get you out of my stupid head?” John asked him, not expecting the answer he got.

“Probably the same reason I could never get you out of mine.”

John closed his eyes tightly. 

“Don’t say that,” he told him. “You’re not the one falling back into old habits.” Nick scoffed.

“John, I left a bowl of cereal on my counter to get soggy and ran to you at the first thought of you needing something. Don’t tell me about old habits.” This made John’s heart. What was wrong with the two of them? Nick spoke again before John could interject. “But I don’t care. I’ll continue to run to you for the rest of my life, and you know that. You’re my best friend, John.” He ran his thumb over John’s cheek. “Bad habit or not.” 

“You really need to get your head checked,” John said to him, and Nick smiled.

“And _you_ need to get some sleep.” John pulled himself closer to Nick, and smiled, his eyes still closed.

“That doesn’t sound awful,” he said. “Worrying about bullshit is for later, right?” Nick laughed softly and leaned down to press a kiss to John’s forehead. 

“Right.”

**Author's Note:**

> I know the fandom for Mulaney/Kroll fics isn't huge but they're literally the only two people that I've thought about for two months, and I wanted to branch out to write for other fandoms so here we are


End file.
